ONE: Use Old Coffee – You find a bag of coffee in the fridge, way in the back. You ask yourself, “How badly do I need a cup of coffee?” If you don’t remember when you bought it, then you must need it really badly! Once coffee is roasted the clock is ticking. From the back of the fridge, behind the old jar of mayonnaise, in a bag that is stuck to the shelf? That’s a very good start to the worst cup of coffee you have ever made!
Two: Buy Your Coffee From the Open Bins in the Supermarket – No old coffee against the back wall of the fridge? Head to the market! Sure, whole bean coffee is great, but when it has been sitting out in the open bins which are hazed-over with old coffee oils so thick that it looks like the beans are in a San Francisco fog, you are well on your way to making a bad cup of coffee.
Three: Buy Pre-Ground Coffee – At the market you could always just pick up a big “jug” of pre-ground coffee and save all the trouble of grinding it yourself. You will get consistency that way. Since oxygen is an enemy of coffee, there is no better way to get coffee to get stale than grinding it and then letting it sit around. By the time you get to the bottom of that jug the coffee will be so stale that you might as well be brewing sawdust.
Four: Spend $10 on a Coffee Grinder – So you read that pre-ground coffee is bad so you went to the store and found an economy grinder, and it is so easy to use! Just put in the beans, press the “ON” button and the little helicopter blade inside grinds the coffee. Fortunately for you, this is a chopper and not a grinder. Even better, since your goal is to make the worst coffee possible, all that coffee dust you are creating is sure to add extra bitterness to the already-bitter coffee you are about to brew.
Five: Buy the Espresso Roast – Since there is no such thing as “espresso roast” (regardless as to what the little tag on the bin says), this is a sure sign that whoever roasted this or whoever is selling it really does not know coffee, and who better to buy your coffee from? If the espresso roast is not available, check for “expresso” roast which doesn’t exist either.
Six: Get the Oily Beans – A good coat of oil on the coffee beans often signifies that the coffee has been poorly stored in a hot environment and the heat has brought the oils to the surface. The oils are a big part of the taste of the coffee, and so exposing them to air will accelerate the staling process. We are over half-way there to a bad cup of coffee!
Seven: Look for a “Best if Used By” Date – Knowing when coffee was roasted is a good thing. Finding a “Best if Used By” date on the package is a sure way of knowing that the coffee you are buying is already past its prime.
Eight: Made From Coffee Beans – Try to find a coffee that is called something like breakfast blend, morning wake up, or mountain delight. Stay away from specifics like Colombian, Hawaiian, and Ethiopian. Since you are looking for the worst coffee possible, it’s best if you don’t know where your beans actually came from.
Nine: Spend as Little as Possible – The worst beans cost the least amount of money. Find a roasted coffee that is selling for about $2.00 to $3.00 a pound. Since that is well under half the cost of most high-quality, un-roasted coffee, you can be assured that your coffee will be from the lowest-quality coffee beans possible. They might even be adulterated with artificial aroma!
Ten: Use a Cheap Coffee Brewer – The “economy” coffee brewers which sell for $20 (or less) are sure to brew too fast and at too low of a temperature to ever extract the goodness from your coffee. But that’s OK since your coffee came to you wholly lacking in goodness anyway.
by Randy Glass of EspressoMyEspresso.com